Is there any room for loneliness in this age of hyper-connectivity, social media and super-gadgets that help us keep in touch? Surely, we should feel closer to others than ever before, right? Well, not necessarily. As our list of Facebook friends grows, and the virtual worlds for many are bursting at the seams, opportunities for ‘real life’ interactions are becoming fewer. We may at times find ourselves in a crowd, or surrounded by faces we know and recognise, but still experience a deep sense of loneliness. This is because the number of acquaintances we have are no substitute for the quality of relationships we develop. We need to feel cared for and feel love and regard for others in return.
The BBC recently commissioned a huge loneliness study in which 55,000 people participated across the UK. Some people spoke of feeling alone since the loss of a loved one, and how they reminisce about lost togetherness, almost every place they visit. Others shared their sense of feeling marginalised or excluded from society, due to disability. Still more of how hectic their work schedules have become, such that they no longer have time to keep up with their family or friends – or even keep up with themselves! Mental health needs can also restrict a person’s movements and confidence, leaving them isolated.
Whatever the background, it would not be too dramatic to say that loneliness has become a 21st Century epidemic. To illustrate the scale of the problem, research by the British Red Cross (2016) reports on more than 9 million people in the UK (equivalent to almost 1 in 5 people!) saying they are “always” or “often lonely”.
It’s a quiet, undetected problem, because 2 in 3 people who report loneliness, also say they don’t feel comfortable admitting to it.To say you are lonely is very difficult, perhaps even embarrassing or shaming. It may convey a sense of underdeveloped social skills, or some flaw in the relationships we have made with family or community. Or more simply, it may signal a lack of ‘get up and go’, given we could not possibly be lonely if we just joined a few groups, or left the house more. Yet, psychologically speaking, I have come to learn through working with thousands of clients over the years that the more alone we are, the less safe we feel in the world. A lack of safety leads us to be more guarded and lacking in trust. This in turn does little to draw people in and rather compounds the problem, with far reaching consequences.
That loneliness impacts on emotional health is of course obvious - it creates a sense of isolation, lack of social support and a felt disconnection from the world. Depression and anxiety are part and parcel of this experience. But research by Dr VH Murthy, former Surgeon General of the USA actually makes links between social isolation and harm to physical health. So much so that the risk factors for early death through loneliness are comparable to a person smoking 15 cigarettes per day or suffering with obesity. How may this work? Well, the immune response seems to become supressed in a person who feels persistently isolated, because one’s thoughts and feelings become caught within a perpetual “stress response”. If we are frequently on edge, have no outlet for expressing our feelings and have only superficial connections to others, it impacts directly on our cardiovascular function – raised heart rate, blood pressure and more physically tense muscles and nerves. Prolonged or repetitive experiences like this are sure to age the body prematurely, because we are after all biological machines, with all the vulnerability of becoming worn down.
On the other hand, social connection has a curative effect. We know that smiling at someone, communicating even without words and feeling another’s touch, all work to trigger the release of endorphins; the natural pain-relieving hormones of the body. Endorphins are so potent, they are sometimes called nature’s antidepressants. Further, they work closely with serotonin and dopamine systems in the brain, which are associated with feel good properties. Another chemical that becomes active is oxytocin - known increasingly as the happiness hormone. Friendships and intimacy with people with whom we share love and care, may literally save life!
In the UK, we now have a Minister for Loneliness who has been tasked with taking forward the work of the late MP Jo Cox, who was tragically killed in recent years. Jo launched a commission on loneliness and brought the issue to national awareness. The message is for us all to be more open if we are feeling lonely, by talking about it with others. We may be impacted by a significant bereavement, or the loss of our mobility, job, health or other opportunities. We may have forgotten what it feels like to laugh with someone, or just have somebody to have a meal with. We may not be able to think of anyone we could call or meet up with, if ever in need. We may be in a carer role at home, and whilst not physically alone we may lack emotional or practical support. If patterns like these have become established, it can feel hopeless. But, it is important to rediscover hope, because loneliness does not have to be a fixed or immovable reality in our lives.
With the right help, and some personal changes, we can move towards a happier and more connected way of being.
Here are a few ideas that I have found useful, when supporting clients to overcome loneliness;
Find a distracting activity. This may be some productive work, studying, volunteering, reading a book, writing, drawing, listening to the radio or just going for a walk
Join a social club, or develop a new pastime or hobby that leads you to experience something that interests you. Meetup.com is a great way to find local groups, by activity or interest.
Try to think positively or notice patterns of negative thinking and work to step aside from them. If the negativity has become very stuck, this may require some therapeutic support, through approaches like CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)
Try not to compare yourself with others, especially on social media channels where most people present only the best side of their lives. Use social media if you can to make connections, but be careful how much you disclose online, as it can invite criticism and negativity
Use small opportunities to start a conversation with someone, even if it is just saying hello in the shopping queue. Wish them a good day, and enjoy a little positive interaction
If you have family, friends or work colleagues you can trust, try to let someone know how you are feeling. This can take courage, but it could invite people to step closer towards you, especially if they were oblivious to what you were going through before.
Think about what may be making you feel lonely. Is there anything practically you could do, to change that?
Try meditating, and if it fits with your value system, consider attending a local service at a temple, church or other organisation. You can connect with safe community groups, even if you don't wish to go any deeper than this.
Don’t rush any of these ideas or try to make unrealistic changes. If you have been lonely for a while, it may take time to open up, or feel confident enough to meet new people. If one of these ideas does not work, try one of the others.
How can you help someone who is feeling lonely?
If you are reading this article because you want to help someone who may be lonely, remember these key issues;
Develop a trusting relationship
Be understanding and open to listening without judging
Be supportive, and not critical of their position or difficulty
Respond with sincerity, warmth and positive regard
Be a loyal and reliable companion or friend
Don’t rush to offer solutions or practical advice
But…there may be a place to
offer to go to a class or group activity with the person
share a cup of tea or coffee
help with tasks at their home, or during a shared trip to the shops
help in some other practical way, that may make a difference
Above all, be kind
In terms of professional help, here are some organisations for you to consider;
Age UK– advice and information for older people
0800 169 65 65
Carers UK– information and support for carers
0808 808 7777
Elefriends– a supportive online community for those with mental health needs
Empty Closets– an online community for people who are gay, bisexual, transgender, curious or unsure
Gingerbread– advice and support for single parents
0808 802 0925
Samaritans– 24hr support for anyone in distress or despair
As a final note, don't feel you have to suffer alone. You are far too precious, even if you have forgotten this about yourself. It won't feel this way forever, and a few steps towards a new way of being, will soon take root and flower.
Dr Bobby Sura BSc Hons, PG Dip, DClinPsy, CPsychol
Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Dr Bobby Sura is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist specialising within the field of lifespan and family based mental health needs. He has over 20yrs NHS experience and 13yrs in the private sector, being the founder of Clinical Psychology Direct and Director for Solihull Well Being Clinic. Dr Sura is Chartered with the British Psychological Society (BPS), Division of Clinical Psychology (DCP), Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) with eligibility for registration with the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) and Association of Family Therapy (AFT).